The First Three Years
August 1, 2009 by Tyler Hartle · Leave a Comment
The first three years of your child’s life is important.
Between birth and three years of age your child grows and develops faster than at any other stage in their lives. The way your child’s brain develops in these early years is critical. In the first three years of your child’s life, the brain has done a great deal of its growing and has established important pathways for future development. Everything we do, say, think and feel is experienced and made sense of through our brain. Our brain allows us to love and to laugh, cry and then feel better, be confused and then understand.
The budding brain
At birth your baby has about 100,000,000,000 (that’s 100 billion) nerve cells, yet the brain is not fully developed. In the first few years of life these cells develop vital connections in the brain that influence your child’s emotional, social and intellectual make-up. Your child’s brain is affected by influences from your child’s environment in these early years. The brain uses our sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, tongue and skin) to tell us what is going on in the world. Everything we experience is filtered through our senses. Our senses send signals to our brain that can alter how our brain understands and responds to experiences and information.
The importance of parenting
Scientists and researchers alike have found that the relationship between a parent and child in the early years affects the child’s brain development in many ways. When children are provided with loving and caring experiences in these early years, the connections in the brain for feeling good and learning are strengthened. Babies and young children need a lot of nurturing, touching and stimulation to enable them to learn and grow in the best possible way. An early positive relationship with parents promotes curiosity, self esteem and confidence in developing children. These relationships will assist children to better cope with life’s challenges.
During the developing years spend time:
• Holding and cuddling your child
• Talking to and smiling with your child
• Recognizing and responding to your child’s signals
• Providing your child with new experiences and opportunities
• Ensuring your children feel safe and secure
Positive Child Guidance
March 2, 2009 by Tyler Hartle · Leave a Comment
Development of self-control is the goal of positive guidance
Remember when setting limits, to do it in a way that:
- Preserves your relationship with the child
- Helps the child to get needs met appropriately
- The child understands he/she has a choice and is able to recognize the connection between his/her choices and the consequences.
Settings limits in a Non-Punishing Way
Set limits when a child does something to hurt him/her, someone else, or damages property.
1. Acknowledge their feelings. “You’re feeling _______________that _______________.”
Examples: “You’re feeling angry that Annie took your doll.” or “You’re having fun drawing.” or “You’re feeling frustrated that you’re not able to go outside to play right now.”
2. Set the limit. This communicates to the child that they are not the problem, but the behavior is the problem.
Examples: “Sally is not for hitting.” or “The car is not for the table.” or “Loud voices are not for inside the house.” or “Jobs need to be done before play time.”
3. Give an alternative. Tell or show them a positive way to get their needs met.
Examples: “If you are angry, you can go outside and roller blade until you calm down.” or “If you are angry with someone you can come and talk to me and I will help you figure out what to do.” or “If you want to color, you can color in a coloring book.” or “The car is for the floor.” or “Loud voices are for outside.”
4. Give related consequences. If the children were playing nicely, but there was a certain item or toy they were fighting over, it is okay to put the toy into time-out rather than the children.
Example: “If you kick Bobby, you’re choosing to go to time-out.” or “If you keep driving the car on the table, you’re choosing to put the car away.”
5. Follow through and be consistent. Even major league pitchers have a time-out when they hit someone. Every time they hit someone, a time-out is called.
Example: Every time you child hits someone make him/her go to time-out. Whatever you have chosen for the consequence of a particular misbehavior – every time they do the same misbehavior, assign the same consequence. This will provide the child with stability and they will know beforehand what is expected of them. This will also lead to fewer fights in the future as you administer consequences because they are more likely to feel like the consequence fair rather than feeling picked on.
Finding Joy, Giving Hope
February 14, 2009 by Natalie · Leave a Comment
My daughter’s name is Sofia. Raising her is my job. I have other jobs, which make money, but she is my main thing. Realizing this has helped me take time to see the details. I welcomed her when she came because I chose to be optimistic about this world, to have hope. So it is my duty to give her hope, and the tools with which she might follow and attain her dreams.
Sofia goes to a small school where they teach children to use their gifts, intelligence, imagination, and to understand that they are an important contributing part of their community. They are taught, in short, to belong. “Your talent is God’s gift to you; what you do with it is your gift to him,” reads a placard on the wall in the entryway. Hypocrisy and cynicism are left by the wayside.
I am obsessive and protective of this aspect of her upbringing, because I was never taught that I belonged anywhere, that anything I did really mattered, and here I remain, somewhat adrift, up some kind of creek with no paddle. My biting and cynical wit, a necessary and hard won tool of survival when I was growing up, is doing me little good at the moment, in the world I’m trying to create for my daughter and myself.
It is so easy to let things slip when you’re angry or guilty or overburdened. Clarity and detail fall by the wayside, and these qualities make up a child’s universe. Ignore the detail, and to a certain extent you no longer see the child.
Ultimately and unsurprisingly, I am one of those parents who seeks for her child what she herself missed out on. In our particular case: a sense of freedom, faith, and self-trust. I consider them essential tools. Joy is the final tool, because otherwise what is the point of it all? I have, at least, been gifted with that capability, and the strength to sometimes capture it back from misfortune.
Children are our hope and our test. By raising them well we can mend the past; that is our hope. Our test? By simply existing they hold a mirror up to us, that we can see ourselves and make amends – if we are brave enough to look. ~NC
This is the first of many from Natalie. Thank you Natalie. We sincerely appreciate you taking the time to contribute to our efforts. Tyler Hartle
Actions, Words and Doing Nothing
January 13, 2009 by Tyler Hartle · Leave a Comment
The way parents talk to and act with their children influences how children feel about themselves. As parents, our behavior often speaks louder than words. What are you saying to your child? What are you saying about your child? What are your children saying about you?
The things parents say to their children act like a mirror, reflecting back to their children the ideas their parents have about who they are and what they will become.
Unkind words and actions can last a lifetime, and sometimes those same words and actions fill generations while being passed down from one generation to another. As a parent you may sometimes do or say things to your child that goes against your better judgment. Generally children are resilient enough that the occasional cruel or negative comment has no long term impact. However, the more often you communicate negative messages to your children through heartless words and actions, the more they will come to accept those negative words and actions as truth.
Listen to your Children
Listening to your children tells your children they are important. As a parent, one of your responsibilities is to spend time with your children and listen to their point of view. Sometimes your children may not speak because they are not given the opportunity. Ensure there is space in your family for each person to be heard.
Listening means not only hearing the words but working out the feelings behind the words. Listen to the things that your children are not saying. For a lot of children, behavior speaks louder than words. What are your children trying to tell you?
Be a patient listener. Allow your children time to tell their story. Don’t jump in before they have finished telling their story. Don’t ever try to finish your children’s sentences. Be a keen listener. Share in your children’s enthusiasm. When you help your children to express their thoughts and feelings with you, you are helping them to find the words or other ways to communicate with you.
Guess What? Your Children ARE Listening!
Here are some actions you should never do and words you should never say:
- Never ignore your children.
- Never attach a negative label to describe your child or call him/her names. For example, “Stupid” or “You’re such a bad boy/girl”.
- Never place unfair blame on your child. For example, “You must have done it – your brother would have never done something like that” or “You are the reason mommy and daddy fight all the time”.
- Never withdraw love from your children. For example, “You were a mistake from the beginning. I wish you were never born”.
- Never frown or sigh when your child wants to talk to you.
- Never compare one child with another.
- Never talk about your children negatively in front of others – they have ears and are very receptive.
Hey it’s you! How to better understand yourself as a parent.
November 11, 2008 by Tyler Hartle · Leave a Comment
From the moment a couple first finds out that they will soon be welcoming a new addition to their family they dream of being the perfect parents. They agree and aspire to be the best parents they can be. We all can relate to this, as we all desire to have only the best things happen to us.
As parents, we all start out with many of our own ideas about parenting. We have high hopes and spotless dreams for our children and for ourselves as parents. Sometimes, though, things get in the way of us being the parent we want to be. Sometimes we can feel stuck in patterns of responding to our children that we don’t like, without really understanding why it happens.
It’s important to remember that just like your children, your life experiences shape who you are. You draw your ideas about children and parenting from many sources around, including your own parents, family, friends, child care, schools, professionals, television and other media.
As parents, we often repeat what we know best. Most often what we know best is drawn from our own experiences. Our experiences of growing up in our family of origin are an important basis for the values and beliefs we hold about children, parenting and families.
Doing things against our better judgment
All parents have times when they find themselves doing or saying things to their children that are against their better judgment. As one parent puts it, “I don’t want to yell at my children, they just push my buttons and I get so mad I can’t seem to stop myself.” At these times parents often feel they are letting themselves, their partner and their children down. Emotions can and often do take over and get the best of parents at times. Understanding where these feelings are coming from allows us to change how we respond to our children.
Awareness of yourself and your child
Children are constantly challenging us as parents to remain flexible and in control of our feelings and behavior. During these testing periods, it is important that we NOT lose our ability to respond fairly even if we are feeling stressed, tired, angry or frustrated.
Too often our own needs or feelings may result in a “knee-jerk” reaction rather than one that matches the current situation. This can often result in parent and child feeling disconnected from each other, each left feeling angry, hurt or misunderstood.
As parents, we need to be aware of our triggers or what ‘pushes our buttons’. Next time you feel angry or frustrated with your child, take a step back and look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Often our child’s emotions or behavior can trigger emotions and behavior in ourselves that are not relevant or helpful to the situation in which you and your child find yourselves. We need to try to separate our own needs and feelings out from the situation with the child in order to respond appropriately.
Following the above counsel on self-reflection we can grow to be more aware of why we think, feel and behave the way we do. In the course of self reflection and self-awareness we can be flexible and adaptive as parents.
Consider the following questions about parenting:
Where do your ideas about parenting come from? Where do your expectations about children come from? In what way and to what extent does your own childhood experience influence how you parent today? What do I like about my parenting? What would I like to change about my parenting? What does my child need from me as a parent that is different to what I needed from my parents? What do I think I will need to change in my parenting approach as my child grows up?
Parenting 101
September 15, 2008 by Tyler Hartle · Comments Off
Throughout history, being a parent is and has always been the most important job one can ever do. Parenting is not a 9 to 5 job or other career choice. Parenting lasts a lifetime. Many people have said that parenting is an amazing journey filled with rewards and sometimes seemingly impossible challenges. Here’s a little help to get you through it all.
Number One Myth: I should know all the answers.
Here’s the kicker, you don’t know everything and you don’t have to know everything. There is not a single parent on the planet that has all of the answers. Also, there’s no such thing as ‘one style fits all’ parenting. The Dr. Spock books are there to give examples, not to provide strict parenting enforcement. Parents need to recognize and be able to respond to the unique personalities, strengths and vulnerabilities of each child. Have reasonable expectations of yourself. Have confidence in what you do know.
It’s OK to say I don’t know. There are numerous ways to educate yourself to find out about the things you feel less confident in.
Myth #2: Parenting comes naturally.
Being a parent requires you become an understanding, persistent, imaginative, energetic, knowledgeable and patient human being.
Parents in all walks of life need support. Take the time to congratulate yourself on what you are doing well. Accept there may be things you could do differently. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Every parent makes mistakes and learns through experience. Mistakes will only count if you keep repeating them. Appreciate that parenting has its ups and downs and accept that this is normal.
Myth #3: Raising my children is my job.
Remember the old saying, “It takes a village.” In the past, extended families and neighborhoods have collectively taken on the responsibility of caring for children. In modern times, parents, more than ever before, are viewed as solely accountable for raising their children. This can sometimes make parents feel judged and alone. If you get out and ask around, you will find that many other parents feel exactly the same way as you. Asking for support is a helpful thing to do for you and your child. Seek support from family, friends, church and community and family support services.
Parenting is a community activity – many people play a significant role in children’s lives. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, teachers and neighbors all contribute to and support family life.
Look after yourself as well as your children. I say it is a good idea to look after yourself first, and then look after your children. If you have ever traveled by plane on any airline, this thought process is nothing new. The flight attendant, when discussing safety and emergency procedures, instructs parents to first put on his or her oxygen mask, and then put the oxygen mask on their child or children. You are no good to your children if you are putting yourself in harms way.
Children and parents learn from each other.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect child. There are many ways to parent. Children and parents learn together.
If you have children, chances are they’re always watching, listening and learning from you. They are constantly processing your parenting skills as they watch how you do things, how you express your feelings and how you relate to others.
As a parent, you continuously learn more and more about your child as they change and grow.
The way you parent should change with the changing needs of your children.
