Every child is unique

Individual differences in children should be encouraged and valued. Every child has his or her own contribution to make to his or her own family, friends and community.

Children need to feel good about who they are.

Positive self esteem is feeling good about yourself, feeling that you are worthwhile. Self esteem gives children confidence and hope in their future. Children need to like themselves, to feel that they are important, capable and that they can achieve in their lives. Children with a healthy self esteem feel more confident about learning and trying new things.

Ways to tell children they are important:

• Tell your children often that you love them for who they are.
• Show your children that you love them by spending time together, listening to them, giving them lots of hugs and smiles.
• Celebrate the achievements of your children, no matter how small.
• Praise your children for trying, no matter what the outcome.
• Keep special reminders of their successes and milestones.
• Let your children help you do things.
• Let your children know it is OK to make mistakes; it is all part of learning.
• Help your children to build on their strengths.
• Ask their opinion on family matters. It shows you care about what they think.
• Help your children to solve their own problems. Show your children that you have faith in them.
• Make limits and expectations you establish for your children clear and consistent.
• Give feedback about inappropriate or unhelpful behavior, but do not criticize.
• Feedback should aim to teach, not hurt your child.

From the moment a couple first finds out that they will soon be welcoming a new addition to their family they dream of being the perfect parents. They agree and aspire to be the best parents they can be.  We all can relate to this, as we all desire to have only the best things happen to us.

As parents, we all start out with many of our own ideas about parenting. We have high hopes and spotless dreams for our children and for ourselves as parents. Sometimes, though, things get in the way of us being the parent we want to be. Sometimes we can feel stuck in patterns of responding to our children that we don’t like, without really understanding why it happens.

It’s important to remember that just like your children, your life experiences shape who you are. You draw your ideas about children and parenting from many sources around, including your own parents, family, friends, child care, schools, professionals, television and other media.

As parents, we often repeat what we know best. Most often what we know best is drawn from our own experiences. Our experiences of growing up in our family of origin are an important basis for the values and beliefs we hold about children, parenting and families.

Doing things against our better judgment

All parents have times when they find themselves doing or saying things to their children that are against their better judgment. As one parent puts it, “I don’t want to yell at my children, they just push my buttons and I get so mad I can’t seem to stop myself.” At these times parents often feel they are letting themselves, their partner and their children down. Emotions can and often do take over and get the best of parents at times. Understanding where these feelings are coming from allows us to change how we respond to our children.

Awareness of yourself and your child

Children are constantly challenging us as parents to remain flexible and in control of our feelings and behavior. During these testing periods, it is important that we NOT lose our ability to respond fairly even if we are feeling stressed, tired, angry or frustrated.

Too often our own needs or feelings may result in a “knee-jerk” reaction rather than one that matches the current situation. This can often result in parent and child feeling disconnected from each other, each left feeling angry, hurt or misunderstood.

As parents, we need to be aware of our triggers or what ‘pushes our buttons’. Next time you feel angry or frustrated with your child, take a step back and look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Often our child’s emotions or behavior can trigger emotions and behavior in ourselves that are not relevant or helpful to the situation in which you and your child find yourselves. We need to try to separate our own needs and feelings out from the situation with the child in order to respond appropriately.

Following the above counsel on self-reflection we can grow to be more aware of why we think, feel and behave the way we do. In the course of self reflection and self-awareness we can be flexible and adaptive as parents.

Consider the following questions about parenting:

Where do your ideas about parenting come from?

Where do your expectations about children come from?

In what way and to what extent does your own childhood experience influence how you parent today?

What do I like about my parenting?

What would I like to change about my parenting?

What does my child need from me as a parent that is different to what I needed from my parents?

What do I think I will need to change in my parenting approach as my child grows up?

]]> http://www.innocentones.org/2008/11/how-to-better-understand-yourself-as-a-parent/feed/ http://www.innocentones.org/2008/09/parenting-101/ http://www.innocentones.org/2008/09/parenting-101/#comments Mon, 15 Sep 2008 20:19:18 +0000 Tyler Hartle http://www.innocentones.org/?p=100 Throughout history, being a parent is and has always been the most important job one can ever do. Parenting is not a 9 to 5 job or other career choice. Parenting lasts a lifetime. Many people have said that parenting is an amazing journey filled with rewards and sometimes seemingly impossible challenges. Here’s a little help to get you through it all.

Number One Myth: I should know all the answers.
Here’s the kicker, you don’t know everything and you don’t have to know everything. There is not a single parent on the planet that has all of the answers. Also, there’s no such thing as ‘one style fits all’ parenting. The Dr. Spock books are there to give examples, not to provide strict parenting enforcement. Parents need to recognize and be able to respond to the unique personalities, strengths and vulnerabilities of each child. Have reasonable expectations of yourself. Have confidence in what you do know.

It’s OK to say I don’t know. There are numerous ways to educate yourself to find out about the things you feel less confident in.

Myth #2: Parenting comes naturally.
Being a parent requires you become an understanding, persistent, imaginative, energetic, knowledgeable and patient human being.

Parents in all walks of life need support. Take the time to congratulate yourself on what you are doing well. Accept there may be things you could do differently. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Every parent makes mistakes and learns through experience. Mistakes will only count if you keep repeating them. Appreciate that parenting has its ups and downs and accept that this is normal.

Myth #3: Raising my children is my job.
Remember the old saying, “It takes a village.” In the past, extended families and neighborhoods have collectively taken on the responsibility of caring for children. In modern times, parents, more than ever before, are viewed as solely accountable for raising their children. This can sometimes make parents feel judged and alone. If you get out and ask around, you will find that many other parents feel exactly the same way as you. Asking for support is a helpful thing to do for you and your child. Seek support from family, friends, church and community and family support services.

Parenting is a community activity - many people play a significant role in children’s lives. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, teachers and neighbors all contribute to and support family life.

Look after yourself as well as your children. I say it is a good idea to look after yourself first, and then look after your children. If you have ever traveled by plane on any airline, this thought process is nothing new. The flight attendant, when discussing safety and emergency procedures, instructs parents to first put on his or her oxygen mask, and then put the oxygen mask on their child or children. You are no good to your children if you are putting yourself in harms way.

Children and parents learn from each other.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect child. There are many ways to parent. Children and parents learn together.

If you have children, chances are they’re always watching, listening and learning from you. They are constantly processing your parenting skills as they watch how you do things, how you express your feelings and how you relate to others.

As a parent, you continuously learn more and more about your child as they change and grow.

The way you parent should change with the changing needs of your children.

Research has found evidence to support a connection between child abuse and range of social problems. Here are some statistics for you to begin processing:

• More than 40% of women in prisons in the United States have been victims of sexual and other types of abuse. Of those, more than 30% reported being sexually abused before they were 18 years old.
• Roughly 80% of children abused were abused by their parent or caregiver
• 7 out of 10 women attending drug and alcohol treatment services have histories of childhood sexual abuse.
• More than 65% of men attending drug and alcohol treatment services have histories of physical abuse in childhood.
• There is a strong link between experiences of childhood abuse and higher rates of some mental health problems in later life, such as depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress.

In a 2001 study, the daily cost of child abuse and neglect in United States was estimated to be $258 million. Do you want to see a number that will leave you speechless? Multiply $258 million by 365. That’s $94 BILLION…that’s how big of a problem child abuse is. Now I am going to just blow you away with more cost data. A follow-up study was done in 2007 that reports the yearly costs have grown to, are you ready, a conservative $103.8 Billion! That’s roughly a $30 Million per day increase in just six years, or a $5 million increase per day over the last six years.

Have a look at the chart from the 2001 study. It gives a cost breakdown of where the money is being spent. Keep in mind that these are daily numbers.

As a society, we have not always linked these social problems with child abuse. The obvious question is why not?

As a society, we all bear the social and financial costs and repercussions of these problems. Each year, our national, state, county and city governments spend more on mental health services, more on drug and alcohol services, more on law and more on order.

The long term consequences of child abuse not only affect the individual being abused, they affect our society as a whole. Adults and adolescents with a history of childhood abuse, neglect, or domestic violence exposure, demonstrate nearly twice the number of serious health problems as children without these experiences. Documented medical problems associated with childhood maltreatment include: chronic fatigue; altered thyroid function; altered immune function; eating disorders and obesity; asthma; hypertension, and peptic ulcer disease. Child maltreatment and associated morbidities independently predict child and familial dysfunction across physical, developmental, emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and social domains. Thus, maltreatment—both directly and indirectly—has a profound, adverse effect on societal health and functioning. Specifically, child abuse and neglect are correlated with increased prevalence of public health problems, including community and domestic violence, delinquency, mental health disorders, alcohol and illicit substance use, obesity, suicide, and teen pregnancy. These outcomes, in turn, correlate with increased utilization of public and private resources. (Hagele, 2005)

The answer to the problem is obvious. Preventing child abuse and neglect ensures that children are able to experience the safe and happy childhood they deserve. Preventing child abuse and neglect will reduce the size and impact of a number of other critical social problems in the long term.

Take a stand. Become an advocate to prevent child abuse. Act now! It will benefit children, young people and their families. It will benefit our society.

References
Hagele, D.M. (2005). The impact of maltreatment on the developing child. North Carolina Medical Journal, 66, 356-359. Retrieved August 21, 2008 from http://www.ncmedicaljournal.com/sept-oct-05/Hagele.pdf

Fromm, S. (2001). Total estimated cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States: Statistical evidence. Chicago, IL: Prevent Child Abuse America. Retrieved August 2008 from
http://member.preventchildabuse.org/site/DocServer/cost_analysis.pdf?docID=144

BJS. (1994). Women in Prison. Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report. Department of Justice. Washington, DC: Bureau of Justice Statistics. Retrieved August 2008 from http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/wopris.pdf

HHS. (2006). Child Maltreatment 2006. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration on Children, Youth and Families. Washington, DC: Child Maltreatment 2006 (Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2008). Retrieved August 2008 from http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/stats_research/

Below are the toll-free numbers and websites for specific agencies designated to accept and investigate reports of suspected child abuse and neglect for each state in the United States.

Alabama
Local (toll):    (334) 242-9500
Alabama Child Abuse Reporting Website

Alaska
Toll-Free:    (800) 478-4444
Alaska Child Abuse Reporting Website

Arizona
Toll-Free:    (888) SOS-CHILD (888-767-2445)
Arizona Child Abuse Reporting Website

Arkansas
Toll-Free:    (800) 482-5964
Arkansas Child Abuse Reporting Website

California
Report Child Abuse in California
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Colorado
Local (toll):    (303) 866-5932
Report Child Abuse in Colorado

Connecticut
TDD:    (800) 624-5518
Toll-Free:    (800) 842-2288
Report Child Abuse in Connecticut

Delaware
Toll-Free:    (800) 292-9582
Report Child Abuse in Delaware

District of Columbia
Local (toll):    (202) 671-SAFE (202-671-7233)
Report Child Abuse in the District of Columbia

Florida
Toll-Free:    (800) 96-ABUSE (800-962-2873)
Report Child Abuse in Florida

Georgia
Report Child Abuse in Georgia
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Hawaii
Local (toll):    (808) 832-5300
Report Child Abuse in Hawaii

Idaho
Toll-Free:    (800) 926-2588
Report Child Abuse in Idaho

Illinois
Toll-Free:    (800) 252-2873
Local (toll):    (217) 524-2606
Report Child Abuse in Illinois

Indiana
Toll-Free:    (800) 800-5556
Report Child Abuse in Indiana

Iowa
Toll-Free:    (800) 362-2178
Report Child Abuse in Iowa

Kansas
Toll-Free:    (800) 922-5330
Report Child Abuse in Kansas

Kentucky
Toll-Free:    (800) 752-6200
Report Child Abuse in Kentucky

Louisiana
Report Child Abuse in Louisiana
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Maine
TTY:    (800) 963-9490
Toll-Free:    (800) 452-1999
Report Child Abuse in Maine

Maryland
Report Child Abuse in Maryland
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Massachusetts
Toll-Free:    (800) 792-5200
Report Child Abuse in Massachusetts

Michigan
Report Child Abuse in Michigan
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Minnesota
Report Child Abuse in Minnesota
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Mississippi
Toll-Free:    (800) 222-8000
Local (toll):    (601) 359-4991
Report Child Abuse in Mississippi

Missouri
Toll-Free:    (800) 392-3738
Local (toll):    (573) 751-3448
Report Child Abuse in Missouri

Montana
Toll-Free:    (866) 820-5437
Report Child Abuse in Montana

Nebraska
Toll-Free:    (800) 652-1999
Report Child Abuse in Nebraska

Nevada
Toll-Free:    (800) 992-5757
Report Child Abuse in Nevada

New Hampshire
Toll-Free:    (800) 894-5533
Local (toll):    (603) 271-6556
Report Child Abuse in New Hampshire

New Jersey
TDD:    (800) 835-5510
TTY:    (800) 835-5510
Toll-Free:    (877) 652-2873
Report Child Abuse in New Jersey

New Mexico
Toll-Free:    (800) 797-3260
Local (toll):    (505) 841-6100
Report Child Abuse in New Mexico

New York
TDD:    (800) 369-2437
Toll-Free:    (800) 342-3720
Local (toll):    (518) 474-8740
Report Child Abuse in New York

North Carolina
Report Child Abuse in North Carolina
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

North Dakota
Report Child Abuse in North Dakota
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Ohio
Report Child Abuse in Ohio
Contact the county Public Children Services Agency using the list above or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453for assistance.

Oklahoma
Toll-Free:    (800) 522-3511
Report Child Abuse in Oklahoma

Oregon
Report Child Abuse in Oregon
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Pennsylvania
Toll-Free:    (800) 932-0313
Report Child Abuse in Pennsylvania

Puerto Rico
Toll-Free:    (800) 981-8333
Local (toll):    (787) 749-1333
Spanish Information on Website: Report Child Abuse in Puerto Rico

Rhode Island
Toll-Free:    (800) RI-CHILD (800-742-4453)
Report Child Abuse in Rhode Island

South Carolina
Local (toll):    (803) 898-7318
Report Child Abuse in South Carolina

South Dakota
Report Child Abuse in South Dakota
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Tennessee
Toll-Free:    (877) 237-0004
Report Child Abuse in Tennessee

Texas
Toll-Free:    (800) 252-5400
Report Child Abuse in Texas

Utah
Toll-Free:    (800) 678-9399
Report Child Abuse in Utah

Vermont
After hours:    (800) 649-5285
Report Child Abuse in Vermont

Virginia
Toll-Free:    (800) 552-7096
Local (toll):    (804) 786-8536
Report Child Abuse in Virginia

Washington
TTY:    (800) 624-6186
Toll-Free:    (866) END-HARM (866-363-4276)
After hours:    (800) 562-5624
Report Child Abuse in Washington

West Virginia
Toll-Free:    (800) 352-6513
Report Child Abuse in West Virginia

Wisconsin
Report Child Abuse in Wisconsin
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

Wyoming
Report Child Abuse in Wyoming
Click on the website above for information on reporting or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453 for assistance.

All numbers and website information is current as of date posted.

• Costing about $0.90 per person per day in the U.S.
• $11,849,315.08 equals the amount per hour spent on child abuse
• Using the current costs of fuel, putting an end to child abuse would save the U.S. economy more than the equivalent of 70 million gallons of gasoline per day or 25,000,000,000 gallons of gasoline per year
• The National Debt has increased an average of $1.84 billion per day since September 2007
• Child Abuse costs are one-sixth the daily National Debt average

*Note: These numbers are considered by many to actually be higher than reported.

The effects of child abuse and neglect are not always easy to identify and people who abuse can go to great lengths to hide it. Many of the common signs of child abuse can be confused with normal, everyday happenings. Adults need to be aware that a change in a child’s behavior may be caused by child abuse.

Recognizing the signs in children

The following are some of the general indicators of child abuse and neglect that you may observe in children or young people. The presence of one or more of these factors does not by itself prove that child abuse is happening. However, it can alert you to the possibility of child abuse. The likelihood of child abuse is occurring may be higher when more indicators are present.

• A child or young person tells you that he or she is being abused or hurt
• You notice sudden or unexplained changes in mood or behavior of a child or young person
• You notice frequent or unexplained bruises or injuries on a child or young person
• You see a child or young person with low self-esteem
• You see a child or young person with poor hygiene
• You notice that a child or young person becomes withdrawn or unresponsive
• You notice a child or young person with a lot of exaggerated fears
• You notice that a child or young person seems to lack trust in familiar adults
• You notice that a child or young person has serious difficulties relating to peers and/or adults
• You see a child or young person who is always angry or aggressive
• You find out that a child or young person has difficulty sleeping and experiences nightmares
• You notice a child or young person experience a change in eating patterns

Recognize the signs in parents

The following are just some of the general indicators of child abuse and neglect that you may observe in the behavior of parents or care givers. The presence of one or more of these factors does not by itself prove that abuse is happening. However, it can alert you to the possibility of abuse. The possibility of abuse may be higher if more indicators are present.

• You notice that a parent seems unconcerned about the child’s welfare at home or school
• You notice that there is domestic violence between adults in a household
• You notice that a parent feels constantly stressed and tells you they have hurt his/her child
• You see that a parent seems secretive or tries to isolate the child from other children
• You notice that a parent constantly talks about the child in negative ways
• You notice that a parent frequently blames, belittles or insults the child
• You notice that a parent avoids talking about the child’s injuries or gives conflicting explanations for them
• You notice that a parent is suffering from depression or other serious mental illness that may be impacting on their ability to care for their children
• You notice that a parent is drinking alcohol excessively or abusing prescription medication and is not able to take care of his/her children properly
• You see or hear that a parent is using illegal drugs and is not able to take care of his/her children properly

Recognize the signs in yourself

As parents or others charged with rearing chidlren, we can relate to sometimes feeling tested to the limits of our parenting ability. Sometimes we can feel out of control. In other situations, we can have personal problems that stop us from caring for our children.

It is your responsibility to recognize when you need help before the harm happens.
If you feel you may hurt, or have hurt your child, it is important that you seek immediate assistance.

STOP what you are doing.

THINK about how you and your child are affected by what is happening.
DO something to change things.
GET SUPPORT to make the changes.
Seeking support and assistance can take courage. Taking this step, however, is critical for you and your child.

Seeking support and assistance reflects:

• your love for your child
• your ability to appreciate there is a problem
• your desire for things to be different for your family
• your commitment to working towards changing things for the better.

Speak to someone you trust and feel can help you.

Find a list of support services that may be able to assist you and your family. Keep trying until you find a service that can help you.

Things can change for the better for you and your family. It is up to you to take the next step.

All parents need support and information from time to time and for a variety of reasons. When a parent seeks out assistance, he/she is exercising a vital parenting role.

Local and National Help Lines

National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453

Utah Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline
1-800- 678-9399

Sometimes people are concerned that efforts to help children ends up causing them further harm. However, we know that this is not the case. Many adult survivors of abuse have said that the continued abuse causes more harm than any action taken to stop the abuse.

If you suspect child abuse report it.

• Trust your judgment.
• You do not have to prove that the abuse is happening.
• You can report anonymously.

Families need help when abuse is happening.

Reporting abuse can help families to receive the counselling and support services they need. This may help to relieve some of the family problems or stress. It will probably be critical in preventing further abuse of the children or young people in that family.

Help community groups, clubs or organizations, like the Utah Valley Family Support and Treatment Center, to distribute copies of this booklet throughout the community.

Support local efforts to help families, such as fundraising for a local family charity or a food or clothing drive.

Get involved with your child’s school. Find out what they are doing to help prevent child abuse and neglect and how you might help.

Raise the issue of children’s safety and protection in your local community groups, sporting clubs and service groups. As a group, you may be able to improve community awareness about the problem of child abuse and ensure the safety of children in your area by staging local events about children and their need for protection.

Ensure organizations and clubs that have contact with children in your community have policies that outline safe and respectful ways of interacting with children. These guidelines should address bullying, discipline of children, sexism and racism. There should also be procedures for supporting children if they disclose that they are being hurt or abused by an adult involved in the organization.

Ensure organizations and clubs in your local community that have contact with children have policies regarding appropriate recruitment and screening processes, including mandatory police checks for staff and volunteers.

Support organizations or businesses that are committed to promoting the protection of children in your community.