Being a parent in today’s world you may tend to feel more like you’re a business owner, rather than a parent. Parenting is like running a small company. In fact, the two are so similar, it’s no wonder why we tend lose sight and fail to keep them separate. You have to manage a household, manage your time, manage a job and manage behavior of your children. The list goes on and on and on.

Increasingly, we hear about the costs of having children. These are usually described as economic, social or career costs. The price of diapers alone makes some parents turn and run. We hear talk of the sacrifices made by adults in their lives as a result of having children. Are these really sacrifices or gifts?

Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This is the perfect statement for everyone to remember during their term as parents. It is sometimes easy to lose sight of what is important. In the middle of life’s busy pace, take the time out to reflect on the ways your children contribute to your life rather than on what else you can do for your child.

Here are some of the things our children give us as parents:
• Unconditional love and admiration just for being you
• Trust that you are the strongest, wisest and bravest person in the world
• The ability to play your child’s hero
• The ability to be a child again
• The ability to appreciate an intensity of emotion and range of strengths and skills
• The ability to reflect on your own values, attitudes and assumptions
• The ability to re-experience the joy and pleasure to be found in simply being a child
• The ability to share in their amusement and their laughter
• The ability to return to your own childhood
• The ability to take time out from being a grown up

One of the single most important gifts parents can give themselves is time with their children.

Make time each day to play, dream, cry, laugh, or wonder and explore with your children. You will be handsomely rewarded!

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Between birth and three years of age your child grows and develops faster than at any other stage in their lives. The way your child’s brain develops in these early years is critical. In the first three years of your child’s life, the brain has done a great deal of its growing and has established important pathways for future development. Everything we do, say, think and feel is experienced and made sense of through our brain. Our brain allows us to love and to laugh, cry and then feel better, be confused and then understand.

The budding brain

At birth your baby has about 100,000,000,000 (that’s 100 billion) nerve cells, yet the brain is not fully developed. In the first few years of life these cells develop vital connections in the brain that influence your child’s emotional, social and intellectual make-up. Your child’s brain is affected by influences from your child’s environment in these early years. The brain uses our sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, tongue and skin) to tell us what is going on in the world. Everything we experience is filtered through our senses. Our senses send signals to our brain that can alter how our brain understands and responds to experiences and information.

The importance of parenting

Scientists and researchers alike have found that the relationship between a parent and child in the early years affects the child’s brain development in many ways. When children are provided with loving and caring experiences in these early years, the connections in the brain for feeling good and learning are strengthened. Babies and young children need a lot of nurturing, touching and stimulation to enable them to learn and grow in the best possible way. An early positive relationship with parents promotes curiosity, self esteem and confidence in developing children. These relationships will assist children to better cope with life’s challenges.

During the developing years spend time:

• Holding and cuddling your child
• Talking to and smiling with your child
• Recognizing and responding to your child’s signals
• Providing your child with new experiences and opportunities
• Ensuring your children feel safe and secure

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The way in which parents handle everyday conflicts has major effects on their children. A child’s sense of safety and well-being is closely linked to how their parents behave towards each other.

Children learn from how they see their parents interact. When parents are getting along well, their relationship serves as a secure base to support their child’s exploration and relationships with others. Children will cope and learn how to handle conflict if they see parents disagree from time to time and resolve their differences in a constructive way. However, children are significantly negatively affected by frequent, unresolved conflict between parents.

Children don’t have to hear or see conflict to be negatively affected by it. Children are very sensitive to the emotional climate of the house and pick up on tensions easily.

Some children cope better with conflict than others. This is related to the child’s temperament and the presence of other important relationships that can provide the child with support, for example, grandparents.

Unresolved conflict can be stressful and even damaging to children. Severe conflict between parents may, in some instances be the basis of long term behavioral, social and developmental problems in some children. Children may sometimes become distressed, fearful, clingy, aggressive or disobedient. They may experience unusual sleep patterns, problems in focusing or attention deficit and learning as well as difficulties in other relationships.

Tips for Managing Parental Conflict

• Avoid arguing or fighting in front of children.

• Never put your child in a position where they feel like they have to take sides.

• Avoid using your children as a way of forcing your partner to agree with you.

• Learn how to discuss differences and resolve conflict calmly.

• Be clear with your children that they are not to blame for the fighting.

• Comfort your children to ensure they know that you love them and that you are sorting the problem out.

• Create time to listen to and accept your children’s feelings and worries about the fighting.

• Respect differences in opinion between yourself and your partner – you will not always agree.

• Be willing to work together as parents even if you don’t see eye to eye on things.

• Seek the assistance of a professional if the level of conflict is so great that it starts to negatively affect your children and your relationship.

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Remember when setting limits, to do it in a way that:

1. Preserves your relationship with the child
2. Helps the child to get needs met appropriately
3. The child understands he/she has a choice and is able to recognize the connection between his/her choices and the consequences.

Settings limits in a Non-Punishing Way

Set limits when a child does something to hurt him/her, someone else, or damages property.
1. Acknowledge their feelings. “You’re feeling _______________that _______________.”
Examples: “You’re feeling angry that Annie took your doll.” or “You’re having fun drawing.” or “You’re feeling frustrated that you’re not able to go outside to play right now.”

2. Set the limit. This communicates to the child that they are not the problem, but the behavior is the problem.
Examples: “Sally is not for hitting.” or “The car is not for the table.” or “Loud voices are not for inside the house.” or “Jobs need to be done before play time.”

3. Give an alternative. Tell or show them a positive way to get their needs met.
Examples: “If you are angry, you can go outside and roller blade until you calm down.” or “If you are angry with someone you can come and talk to me and I will help you figure out what to do.” or “If you want to color, you can color in a coloring book.” or “The car is for the floor.” or “Loud voices are for outside.”

4. Give related consequences. If the children were playing nicely, but there was a certain item or toy they were fighting over, it is okay to put the toy into time-out rather than the children.
Example: “If you kick Bobby, you’re choosing to go to time-out.” or “If you keep driving the car on the table, you’re choosing to put the car away.”

5. Follow through and be consistent. Even major league pitchers have a time-out when they hit someone. Every time they hit someone, a time-out is called.
Example: Every time you child hits someone make him/her go to time-out. Whatever you have chosen for the consequence of a particular misbehavior – every time they do the same misbehavior, assign the same consequence. This will provide the child with stability and they will know beforehand what is expected of them. This will also lead to fewer fights in the future as you administer consequences because they are more likely to feel like the consequence fair rather than feeling picked on.

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Sofia goes to a small school where they teach children to use their gifts, intelligence, imagination, and to understand that they are an important contributing part of their community. They are taught, in short, to belong. “Your talent is God’s gift to you; what you do with it is your gift to him,” reads a placard on the wall in the entryway. Hypocrisy and cynicism are left by the wayside.

I am obsessive and protective of this aspect of her upbringing, because I was never taught that I belonged anywhere, that anything I did really mattered, and here I remain, somewhat adrift, up some kind of creek with no paddle. My biting and cynical wit, a necessary and hard won tool of survival when I was growing up, is doing me little good at the moment, in the world I’m trying to create for my daughter and myself.

It is so easy to let things slip when you’re angry or guilty or overburdened.  Clarity and detail fall by the wayside, and these qualities make up a child’s universe.  Ignore the detail, and to a certain extent you no longer see the child.

Ultimately and unsurprisingly, I am one of those parents who seeks for her child what she herself missed out on. In our particular case: a sense of freedom, faith, and self-trust. I consider them essential tools. Joy is the final tool, because otherwise what is the point of it all? I have, at least, been gifted with that capability, and the strength to sometimes capture it back from misfortune.

Children are our hope and our test. By raising them well we can mend the past; that is our hope. Our test? By simply existing they hold a mirror up to us, that we can see ourselves and make amends – if we are brave enough to look. ~NC

This is the first of many from Natalie. Thank you Natalie. We sincerely appreciate you taking the time to contribute to our efforts. Tyler Hartle

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The things parents say to their children act like a mirror, reflecting back to their children the ideas their parents have about who they are and what they will become.

Unkind words and actions can last a lifetime, and sometimes those same words and actions fill generations while being passed down from one generation to another. As a parent you may sometimes do or say things to your child that goes against your better judgment. Generally children are resilient enough that the occasional cruel or negative comment has no long term impact. However, the more often you communicate negative messages to your children through heartless words and actions, the more they will come to accept those negative words and actions as truth.

Listen to your Children

Listening to your children tells your children they are important. As a parent, one of your responsibilities is to spend time with your children and listen to their point of view. Sometimes your children may not speak because they are not given the opportunity. Ensure there is space in your family for each person to be heard.

Listening means not only hearing the words but working out the feelings behind the words. Listen to the things that your children are not saying. For a lot of children, behavior speaks louder than words. What are your children trying to tell you?

Be a patient listener. Allow your children time to tell their story. Don’t jump in before they have finished telling their story. Don’t ever try to finish your children’s sentences. Be a keen listener. Share in your children’s enthusiasm. When you help your children to express their thoughts and feelings with you, you are helping them to find the words or other ways to communicate with you.

Guess What? Your Children ARE Listening!

Here are some actions you should never do and words you should never say:

• Never ignore your children.

• Never attach a negative label to describe your child or call him/her names. For example, “Stupid” or “You’re such a bad boy/girl”.

• Never place unfair blame on your child. For example, “You must have done it – your brother would have never done something like that” or “You are the reason mommy and daddy fight all the time”.

• Never withdraw love from your children. For example, “You were a mistake from the beginning. I wish you were never born”.

• Never frown or sigh when your child wants to talk to you.

• Never compare one child with another.

• Never talk about your children negatively in front of others – they have ears and are very receptive.

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Every child is unique

Individual differences in children should be encouraged and valued. Every child has his or her own contribution to make to his or her own family, friends and community.

Children need to feel good about who they are.

Positive self esteem is feeling good about yourself, feeling that you are worthwhile. Self esteem gives children confidence and hope in their future. Children need to like themselves, to feel that they are important, capable and that they can achieve in their lives. Children with a healthy self esteem feel more confident about learning and trying new things.

Ways to tell children they are important:

• Tell your children often that you love them for who they are.
• Show your children that you love them by spending time together, listening to them, giving them lots of hugs and smiles.
• Celebrate the achievements of your children, no matter how small.
• Praise your children for trying, no matter what the outcome.
• Keep special reminders of their successes and milestones.
• Let your children help you do things.
• Let your children know it is OK to make mistakes; it is all part of learning.
• Help your children to build on their strengths.
• Ask their opinion on family matters. It shows you care about what they think.
• Help your children to solve their own problems. Show your children that you have faith in them.
• Make limits and expectations you establish for your children clear and consistent.
• Give feedback about inappropriate or unhelpful behavior, but do not criticize.
• Feedback should aim to teach, not hurt your child.

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From the moment a couple first finds out that they will soon be welcoming a new addition to their family they dream of being the perfect parents. They agree and aspire to be the best parents they can be.  We all can relate to this, as we all desire to have only the best things happen to us.

As parents, we all start out with many of our own ideas about parenting. We have high hopes and spotless dreams for our children and for ourselves as parents. Sometimes, though, things get in the way of us being the parent we want to be. Sometimes we can feel stuck in patterns of responding to our children that we don’t like, without really understanding why it happens.

It’s important to remember that just like your children, your life experiences shape who you are. You draw your ideas about children and parenting from many sources around, including your own parents, family, friends, child care, schools, professionals, television and other media.

As parents, we often repeat what we know best. Most often what we know best is drawn from our own experiences. Our experiences of growing up in our family of origin are an important basis for the values and beliefs we hold about children, parenting and families.

Doing things against our better judgment

All parents have times when they find themselves doing or saying things to their children that are against their better judgment. As one parent puts it, “I don’t want to yell at my children, they just push my buttons and I get so mad I can’t seem to stop myself.” At these times parents often feel they are letting themselves, their partner and their children down. Emotions can and often do take over and get the best of parents at times. Understanding where these feelings are coming from allows us to change how we respond to our children.

Awareness of yourself and your child

Children are constantly challenging us as parents to remain flexible and in control of our feelings and behavior. During these testing periods, it is important that we NOT lose our ability to respond fairly even if we are feeling stressed, tired, angry or frustrated.

Too often our own needs or feelings may result in a “knee-jerk” reaction rather than one that matches the current situation. This can often result in parent and child feeling disconnected from each other, each left feeling angry, hurt or misunderstood.

As parents, we need to be aware of our triggers or what ‘pushes our buttons’. Next time you feel angry or frustrated with your child, take a step back and look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Often our child’s emotions or behavior can trigger emotions and behavior in ourselves that are not relevant or helpful to the situation in which you and your child find yourselves. We need to try to separate our own needs and feelings out from the situation with the child in order to respond appropriately.

Following the above counsel on self-reflection we can grow to be more aware of why we think, feel and behave the way we do. In the course of self reflection and self-awareness we can be flexible and adaptive as parents.

Consider the following questions about parenting:

Where do your ideas about parenting come from?

Where do your expectations about children come from?

In what way and to what extent does your own childhood experience influence how you parent today?

What do I like about my parenting?

What would I like to change about my parenting?

What does my child need from me as a parent that is different to what I needed from my parents?

What do I think I will need to change in my parenting approach as my child grows up?

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Number One Myth: I should know all the answers.
Here’s the kicker, you don’t know everything and you don’t have to know everything. There is not a single parent on the planet that has all of the answers. Also, there’s no such thing as ‘one style fits all’ parenting. The Dr. Spock books are there to give examples, not to provide strict parenting enforcement. Parents need to recognize and be able to respond to the unique personalities, strengths and vulnerabilities of each child. Have reasonable expectations of yourself. Have confidence in what you do know.

It’s OK to say I don’t know. There are numerous ways to educate yourself to find out about the things you feel less confident in.

Myth #2: Parenting comes naturally.
Being a parent requires you become an understanding, persistent, imaginative, energetic, knowledgeable and patient human being.

Parents in all walks of life need support. Take the time to congratulate yourself on what you are doing well. Accept there may be things you could do differently. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Every parent makes mistakes and learns through experience. Mistakes will only count if you keep repeating them. Appreciate that parenting has its ups and downs and accept that this is normal.

Myth #3: Raising my children is my job.
Remember the old saying, “It takes a village.” In the past, extended families and neighborhoods have collectively taken on the responsibility of caring for children. In modern times, parents, more than ever before, are viewed as solely accountable for raising their children. This can sometimes make parents feel judged and alone. If you get out and ask around, you will find that many other parents feel exactly the same way as you. Asking for support is a helpful thing to do for you and your child. Seek support from family, friends, church and community and family support services.

Parenting is a community activity – many people play a significant role in children’s lives. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, teachers and neighbors all contribute to and support family life.

Look after yourself as well as your children. I say it is a good idea to look after yourself first, and then look after your children. If you have ever traveled by plane on any airline, this thought process is nothing new. The flight attendant, when discussing safety and emergency procedures, instructs parents to first put on his or her oxygen mask, and then put the oxygen mask on their child or children. You are no good to your children if you are putting yourself in harms way.

Children and parents learn from each other.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect child. There are many ways to parent. Children and parents learn together.

If you have children, chances are they’re always watching, listening and learning from you. They are constantly processing your parenting skills as they watch how you do things, how you express your feelings and how you relate to others.

As a parent, you continuously learn more and more about your child as they change and grow.

The way you parent should change with the changing needs of your children.

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Research has found evidence to support a connection between child abuse and range of social problems. Here are some statistics for you to begin processing:

• More than 40% of women in prisons in the United States have been victims of sexual and other types of abuse. Of those, more than 30% reported being sexually abused before they were 18 years old.
• Roughly 80% of children abused were abused by their parent or caregiver
• 7 out of 10 women attending drug and alcohol treatment services have histories of childhood sexual abuse.
• More than 65% of men attending drug and alcohol treatment services have histories of physical abuse in childhood.
• There is a strong link between experiences of childhood abuse and higher rates of some mental health problems in later life, such as depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress.

In a 2001 study, the daily cost of child abuse and neglect in United States was estimated to be $258 million. Do you want to see a number that will leave you speechless? Multiply $258 million by 365. That’s $94 BILLION…that’s how big of a problem child abuse is. Now I am going to just blow you away with more cost data. A follow-up study was done in 2007 that reports the yearly costs have grown to, are you ready, a conservative $103.8 Billion! That’s roughly a $30 Million per day increase in just six years, or a $5 million increase per day over the last six years.

Have a look at the chart from the 2001 study. It gives a cost breakdown of where the money is being spent. Keep in mind that these are daily numbers.

As a society, we have not always linked these social problems with child abuse. The obvious question is why not?

As a society, we all bear the social and financial costs and repercussions of these problems. Each year, our national, state, county and city governments spend more on mental health services, more on drug and alcohol services, more on law and more on order.

The long term consequences of child abuse not only affect the individual being abused, they affect our society as a whole. Adults and adolescents with a history of childhood abuse, neglect, or domestic violence exposure, demonstrate nearly twice the number of serious health problems as children without these experiences. Documented medical problems associated with childhood maltreatment include: chronic fatigue; altered thyroid function; altered immune function; eating disorders and obesity; asthma; hypertension, and peptic ulcer disease. Child maltreatment and associated morbidities independently predict child and familial dysfunction across physical, developmental, emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and social domains. Thus, maltreatment—both directly and indirectly—has a profound, adverse effect on societal health and functioning. Specifically, child abuse and neglect are correlated with increased prevalence of public health problems, including community and domestic violence, delinquency, mental health disorders, alcohol and illicit substance use, obesity, suicide, and teen pregnancy. These outcomes, in turn, correlate with increased utilization of public and private resources. (Hagele, 2005)

The answer to the problem is obvious. Preventing child abuse and neglect ensures that children are able to experience the safe and happy childhood they deserve. Preventing child abuse and neglect will reduce the size and impact of a number of other critical social problems in the long term.

Take a stand. Become an advocate to prevent child abuse. Act now! It will benefit children, young people and their families. It will benefit our society.

References
Hagele, D.M. (2005). The impact of maltreatment on the developing child. North Carolina Medical Journal, 66, 356-359. Retrieved August 21, 2008 from http://www.ncmedicaljournal.com/sept-oct-05/Hagele.pdf

Fromm, S. (2001). Total estimated cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States: Statistical evidence. Chicago, IL: Prevent Child Abuse America. Retrieved August 2008 from

http://member.preventchildabuse.org/site/DocServer/cost_analysis.pdf?docID=144

BJS. (1994). Women in Prison. Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report. Department of Justice. Washington, DC: Bureau of Justice Statistics. Retrieved August 2008 from http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/wopris.pdf

HHS. (2006). Child Maltreatment 2006. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration on Children, Youth and Families. Washington, DC: Child Maltreatment 2006 (Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2008). Retrieved August 2008 from http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/stats_research/

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