The way in which parents handle everyday conflicts has major effects on their children. A child’s sense of safety and well-being is closely linked to how their parents behave towards each other.

Children learn from how they see their parents interact. When parents are getting along well, their relationship serves as a secure base to support their child’s exploration and relationships with others. Children will cope and learn how to handle conflict if they see parents disagree from time to time and resolve their differences in a constructive way. However, children are significantly negatively affected by frequent, unresolved conflict between parents.

Children don’t have to hear or see conflict to be negatively affected by it. Children are very sensitive to the emotional climate of the house and pick up on tensions easily.

Some children cope better with conflict than others. This is related to the child’s temperament and the presence of other important relationships that can provide the child with support, for example, grandparents.

Unresolved conflict can be stressful and even damaging to children. Severe conflict between parents may, in some instances be the basis of long term behavioral, social and developmental problems in some children. Children may sometimes become distressed, fearful, clingy, aggressive or disobedient. They may experience unusual sleep patterns, problems in focusing or attention deficit and learning as well as difficulties in other relationships.

Tips for Managing Parental Conflict

• Avoid arguing or fighting in front of children.

• Never put your child in a position where they feel like they have to take sides.

• Avoid using your children as a way of forcing your partner to agree with you.

• Learn how to discuss differences and resolve conflict calmly.

• Be clear with your children that they are not to blame for the fighting.

• Comfort your children to ensure they know that you love them and that you are sorting the problem out.

• Create time to listen to and accept your children’s feelings and worries about the fighting.

• Respect differences in opinion between yourself and your partner – you will not always agree.

• Be willing to work together as parents even if you don’t see eye to eye on things.

• Seek the assistance of a professional if the level of conflict is so great that it starts to negatively affect your children and your relationship.

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Remember when setting limits, to do it in a way that:

1. Preserves your relationship with the child
2. Helps the child to get needs met appropriately
3. The child understands he/she has a choice and is able to recognize the connection between his/her choices and the consequences.

Settings limits in a Non-Punishing Way

Set limits when a child does something to hurt him/her, someone else, or damages property.
1. Acknowledge their feelings. “You’re feeling _______________that _______________.”
Examples: “You’re feeling angry that Annie took your doll.” or “You’re having fun drawing.” or “You’re feeling frustrated that you’re not able to go outside to play right now.”

2. Set the limit. This communicates to the child that they are not the problem, but the behavior is the problem.
Examples: “Sally is not for hitting.” or “The car is not for the table.” or “Loud voices are not for inside the house.” or “Jobs need to be done before play time.”

3. Give an alternative. Tell or show them a positive way to get their needs met.
Examples: “If you are angry, you can go outside and roller blade until you calm down.” or “If you are angry with someone you can come and talk to me and I will help you figure out what to do.” or “If you want to color, you can color in a coloring book.” or “The car is for the floor.” or “Loud voices are for outside.”

4. Give related consequences. If the children were playing nicely, but there was a certain item or toy they were fighting over, it is okay to put the toy into time-out rather than the children.
Example: “If you kick Bobby, you’re choosing to go to time-out.” or “If you keep driving the car on the table, you’re choosing to put the car away.”

5. Follow through and be consistent. Even major league pitchers have a time-out when they hit someone. Every time they hit someone, a time-out is called.
Example: Every time you child hits someone make him/her go to time-out. Whatever you have chosen for the consequence of a particular misbehavior – every time they do the same misbehavior, assign the same consequence. This will provide the child with stability and they will know beforehand what is expected of them. This will also lead to fewer fights in the future as you administer consequences because they are more likely to feel like the consequence fair rather than feeling picked on.

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The things parents say to their children act like a mirror, reflecting back to their children the ideas their parents have about who they are and what they will become.

Unkind words and actions can last a lifetime, and sometimes those same words and actions fill generations while being passed down from one generation to another. As a parent you may sometimes do or say things to your child that goes against your better judgment. Generally children are resilient enough that the occasional cruel or negative comment has no long term impact. However, the more often you communicate negative messages to your children through heartless words and actions, the more they will come to accept those negative words and actions as truth.

Listen to your Children

Listening to your children tells your children they are important. As a parent, one of your responsibilities is to spend time with your children and listen to their point of view. Sometimes your children may not speak because they are not given the opportunity. Ensure there is space in your family for each person to be heard.

Listening means not only hearing the words but working out the feelings behind the words. Listen to the things that your children are not saying. For a lot of children, behavior speaks louder than words. What are your children trying to tell you?

Be a patient listener. Allow your children time to tell their story. Don’t jump in before they have finished telling their story. Don’t ever try to finish your children’s sentences. Be a keen listener. Share in your children’s enthusiasm. When you help your children to express their thoughts and feelings with you, you are helping them to find the words or other ways to communicate with you.

Guess What? Your Children ARE Listening!

Here are some actions you should never do and words you should never say:

• Never ignore your children.

• Never attach a negative label to describe your child or call him/her names. For example, “Stupid” or “You’re such a bad boy/girl”.

• Never place unfair blame on your child. For example, “You must have done it – your brother would have never done something like that” or “You are the reason mommy and daddy fight all the time”.

• Never withdraw love from your children. For example, “You were a mistake from the beginning. I wish you were never born”.

• Never frown or sigh when your child wants to talk to you.

• Never compare one child with another.

• Never talk about your children negatively in front of others – they have ears and are very receptive.

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Number One Myth: I should know all the answers.
Here’s the kicker, you don’t know everything and you don’t have to know everything. There is not a single parent on the planet that has all of the answers. Also, there’s no such thing as ‘one style fits all’ parenting. The Dr. Spock books are there to give examples, not to provide strict parenting enforcement. Parents need to recognize and be able to respond to the unique personalities, strengths and vulnerabilities of each child. Have reasonable expectations of yourself. Have confidence in what you do know.

It’s OK to say I don’t know. There are numerous ways to educate yourself to find out about the things you feel less confident in.

Myth #2: Parenting comes naturally.
Being a parent requires you become an understanding, persistent, imaginative, energetic, knowledgeable and patient human being.

Parents in all walks of life need support. Take the time to congratulate yourself on what you are doing well. Accept there may be things you could do differently. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Every parent makes mistakes and learns through experience. Mistakes will only count if you keep repeating them. Appreciate that parenting has its ups and downs and accept that this is normal.

Myth #3: Raising my children is my job.
Remember the old saying, “It takes a village.” In the past, extended families and neighborhoods have collectively taken on the responsibility of caring for children. In modern times, parents, more than ever before, are viewed as solely accountable for raising their children. This can sometimes make parents feel judged and alone. If you get out and ask around, you will find that many other parents feel exactly the same way as you. Asking for support is a helpful thing to do for you and your child. Seek support from family, friends, church and community and family support services.

Parenting is a community activity – many people play a significant role in children’s lives. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, teachers and neighbors all contribute to and support family life.

Look after yourself as well as your children. I say it is a good idea to look after yourself first, and then look after your children. If you have ever traveled by plane on any airline, this thought process is nothing new. The flight attendant, when discussing safety and emergency procedures, instructs parents to first put on his or her oxygen mask, and then put the oxygen mask on their child or children. You are no good to your children if you are putting yourself in harms way.

Children and parents learn from each other.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect child. There are many ways to parent. Children and parents learn together.

If you have children, chances are they’re always watching, listening and learning from you. They are constantly processing your parenting skills as they watch how you do things, how you express your feelings and how you relate to others.

As a parent, you continuously learn more and more about your child as they change and grow.

The way you parent should change with the changing needs of your children.

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The effects of child abuse and neglect are not always easy to identify and people who abuse can go to great lengths to hide it. Many of the common signs of child abuse can be confused with normal, everyday happenings. Adults need to be aware that a change in a child’s behavior may be caused by child abuse.

Recognizing the signs in children

The following are some of the general indicators of child abuse and neglect that you may observe in children or young people. The presence of one or more of these factors does not by itself prove that child abuse is happening. However, it can alert you to the possibility of child abuse. The likelihood of child abuse is occurring may be higher when more indicators are present.

• A child or young person tells you that he or she is being abused or hurt
• You notice sudden or unexplained changes in mood or behavior of a child or young person
• You notice frequent or unexplained bruises or injuries on a child or young person
• You see a child or young person with low self-esteem
• You see a child or young person with poor hygiene
• You notice that a child or young person becomes withdrawn or unresponsive
• You notice a child or young person with a lot of exaggerated fears
• You notice that a child or young person seems to lack trust in familiar adults
• You notice that a child or young person has serious difficulties relating to peers and/or adults
• You see a child or young person who is always angry or aggressive
• You find out that a child or young person has difficulty sleeping and experiences nightmares
• You notice a child or young person experience a change in eating patterns

Recognize the signs in parents

The following are just some of the general indicators of child abuse and neglect that you may observe in the behavior of parents or care givers. The presence of one or more of these factors does not by itself prove that abuse is happening. However, it can alert you to the possibility of abuse. The possibility of abuse may be higher if more indicators are present.

• You notice that a parent seems unconcerned about the child’s welfare at home or school
• You notice that there is domestic violence between adults in a household
• You notice that a parent feels constantly stressed and tells you they have hurt his/her child
• You see that a parent seems secretive or tries to isolate the child from other children
• You notice that a parent constantly talks about the child in negative ways
• You notice that a parent frequently blames, belittles or insults the child
• You notice that a parent avoids talking about the child’s injuries or gives conflicting explanations for them
• You notice that a parent is suffering from depression or other serious mental illness that may be impacting on their ability to care for their children
• You notice that a parent is drinking alcohol excessively or abusing prescription medication and is not able to take care of his/her children properly
• You see or hear that a parent is using illegal drugs and is not able to take care of his/her children properly

Recognize the signs in yourself

As parents or others charged with rearing chidlren, we can relate to sometimes feeling tested to the limits of our parenting ability. Sometimes we can feel out of control. In other situations, we can have personal problems that stop us from caring for our children.

It is your responsibility to recognize when you need help before the harm happens.
If you feel you may hurt, or have hurt your child, it is important that you seek immediate assistance.

STOP what you are doing.

THINK about how you and your child are affected by what is happening.
DO something to change things.
GET SUPPORT to make the changes.
Seeking support and assistance can take courage. Taking this step, however, is critical for you and your child.

Seeking support and assistance reflects:

• your love for your child
• your ability to appreciate there is a problem
• your desire for things to be different for your family
• your commitment to working towards changing things for the better.

Speak to someone you trust and feel can help you.

Find a list of support services that may be able to assist you and your family. Keep trying until you find a service that can help you.

Things can change for the better for you and your family. It is up to you to take the next step.

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All parents need support and information from time to time and for a variety of reasons. When a parent seeks out assistance, he/she is exercising a vital parenting role.

Local and National Help Lines

National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD / 1-800-422-4453

Utah Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline
1-800- 678-9399

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Sometimes people are concerned that efforts to help children ends up causing them further harm. However, we know that this is not the case. Many adult survivors of abuse have said that the continued abuse causes more harm than any action taken to stop the abuse.

If you suspect child abuse report it.

• Trust your judgment.
• You do not have to prove that the abuse is happening.
• You can report anonymously.

Families need help when abuse is happening.

Reporting abuse can help families to receive the counselling and support services they need. This may help to relieve some of the family problems or stress. It will probably be critical in preventing further abuse of the children or young people in that family.

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Help community groups, clubs or organizations, like your local family support center, to distribute copies of this booklet throughout the community.

Support local efforts to help families, such as fund raising for a local family charity or a food or clothing drive.

Get involved with your child’s school. Find out what they are doing to help prevent child abuse and neglect and how you might help.

Raise the issue of children’s safety and protection in your local community groups, sporting clubs and service groups. As a group, you may be able to improve community awareness about the problem of child abuse and ensure the safety of children in your area by staging local events about children and their need for protection.

Ensure organizations and clubs that have contact with children in your community have policies that outline safe and respectful ways of interacting with children. These guidelines should address bullying, discipline of children, sexism and racism. There should also be procedures for supporting children if they disclose that they are being hurt or abused by an adult involved in the organization.

Ensure organizations and clubs in your local community that have contact with children have policies regarding appropriate recruitment and screening processes, including mandatory police checks for staff and volunteers.

Support organizations or businesses that are committed to promoting the protection of children in your community.

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• Show and tell children that they are important to you and that you care about how they feel.
• Understand and respect children’s vulnerabilities as well as their abilities.
• Appreciate the insights of children. They understand more than you think.
• Try to understand the seriousness and consequences of child abuse.
• Be someone special for a child to turn to. Be there to listen.
• Trust your judgement. Don’t keep it to yourself – do something if you are worried about a child.

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A child enriches the lives of adults in many ways. Giving adults:

• Their trust.
• The chance to be a hero.
• The chance to share in the magic and wonder of their world.
• The chance to reflect on your own values, attitudes and assumptions about the world.
• The chance to share in their fun and their laughter.
• The chance to revisit your own childhood.
• The chance to take time out from being a grown up.

Ways to tell a child they are important:

• Show them that you are interested in them by spending time together, listening to them, joining in their play.
• Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small.
• Praise them for trying, no matter what the outcome.
• Keep special reminders of their successes and milestones.
• Let them help you do things.
• Let them know it is OK to make mistakes; it is all part of learning.
• Help them to build on their strengths.
• Ask their opinion on things that affect them. It shows you care about what they think.
• Help them to solve their own problems. Show them that you have faith in them.

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