Hey it’s you! How to better understand yourself as a parent.
November 11, 2008 by Tyler Hartle
From the moment a couple first finds out that they will soon be welcoming a new addition to their family they dream of being the perfect parents. They agree and aspire to be the best parents they can be. We all can relate to this, as we all desire to have only the best things happen to us.
As parents, we all start out with many of our own ideas about parenting. We have high hopes and spotless dreams for our children and for ourselves as parents. Sometimes, though, things get in the way of us being the parent we want to be. Sometimes we can feel stuck in patterns of responding to our children that we don’t like, without really understanding why it happens.
It’s important to remember that just like your children, your life experiences shape who you are. You draw your ideas about children and parenting from many sources around, including your own parents, family, friends, child care, schools, professionals, television and other media.
As parents, we often repeat what we know best. Most often what we know best is drawn from our own experiences. Our experiences of growing up in our family of origin are an important basis for the values and beliefs we hold about children, parenting and families.
Doing things against our better judgment
All parents have times when they find themselves doing or saying things to their children that are against their better judgment. As one parent puts it, “I don’t want to yell at my children, they just push my buttons and I get so mad I can’t seem to stop myself.” At these times parents often feel they are letting themselves, their partner and their children down. Emotions can and often do take over and get the best of parents at times. Understanding where these feelings are coming from allows us to change how we respond to our children.
Awareness of yourself and your child
Children are constantly challenging us as parents to remain flexible and in control of our feelings and behavior. During these testing periods, it is important that we NOT lose our ability to respond fairly even if we are feeling stressed, tired, angry or frustrated.
Too often our own needs or feelings may result in a “knee-jerk” reaction rather than one that matches the current situation. This can often result in parent and child feeling disconnected from each other, each left feeling angry, hurt or misunderstood.
As parents, we need to be aware of our triggers or what ‘pushes our buttons’. Next time you feel angry or frustrated with your child, take a step back and look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Often our child’s emotions or behavior can trigger emotions and behavior in ourselves that are not relevant or helpful to the situation in which you and your child find yourselves. We need to try to separate our own needs and feelings out from the situation with the child in order to respond appropriately.
Following the above counsel on self-reflection we can grow to be more aware of why we think, feel and behave the way we do. In the course of self reflection and self-awareness we can be flexible and adaptive as parents.
Consider the following questions about parenting:
Where do your ideas about parenting come from? Where do your expectations about children come from? In what way and to what extent does your own childhood experience influence how you parent today? What do I like about my parenting? What would I like to change about my parenting? What does my child need from me as a parent that is different to what I needed from my parents? What do I think I will need to change in my parenting approach as my child grows up?
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